Coulrophobia

I hate clowns. I'm not sure when it started, or how it started, but they scare the holy hell out of me. I don't understand how anyone finds these things amusing. Why do more people not run in fear every time they see that painted evil grin half-obscured by a bouquet of balloon animals coming towards them? Clowns freak me the hell out. Let me tell you why.

First of all, you just never know what evil lurks behind that fake smile. Anyone who needs to plaster a motionless fake smile on their face cannot be thinking good thoughts. They can distract you with that fake smile, so you don't see the pointy teeth waiting to devour you. Second, they're clearly supernatural, since so many of them can fit into a tiny VW Bug. That's not natural, and it's hardly funny sitting there thinking "Holy shit! When will it end!" It's like an army of evilness packed into a car designed by the leader of an army of evil. Does anyone really not see the correlation? Third, they have abnormally large feet, the better to stomp you into the ground with. Why are large feet considered comical?

Then there are the actual evil clowns, the ones that were intended to be that way. Stephen King's Pennywise gave me nightmares for ages. I spent years stepping over grates in terror of getting grabbed by him. Granted, most of those times I was on acid, but still! Stephen King ruined sewer grates for me for life. We also can't neglect to mention John Wayne Gacy, a real-life serial killer who used to dress as a clown, and loved painting them. If he isn't enough to give you a life-long case of coulrophobia, than what is? Killer Clowns From Outer Space, The Insane Clown Posse, the Joker, the clown doll in Poltergeist. My goodness non-clown fearers, open your eyes! Evil clowns are everywhere!

My own son, little traitor that he is, seems to like clowns. Not only this, but he finds it extremely amusing that they freak me out. He chased me around a costume shop with a clown mask laughing "clowns freak you out Mommy! Look at the clown Mommy!" He begged to be an evil clown for Halloween. It is one of the few things I have ever denied my son. Someday, he'll ask me to go to the circus. Thank goodness I can honestly say no, because they are mean to animals. Of course, if it's a non-animal show, I'm up the proverbial creek. I will sit, cringing in fear, begging the gods to not let me get eaten.

There are about three clowns in the world that don't freak me out. Crusty the Clown on the Simpsons, my friend in New Zealand who dresses as a clown, but always warns me when she's going to post pictures of it, and a clown in New Orleans who looked more like Raggedy Andy than IT. The rest of them make my heart race in terror. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm so scared though. Like the guy who came into the store where I was working years ago, during a street festival. He felt bad that I was sweating and ready to cry when all he wanted was to buy a soda. My boss, who knew I was terrified, just chuckled in the back of the store. Yeah, very funny! Good thing he was otherwise a great boss. Or the lady who does face painting near my seasonal stand, who just wanted to make casual conversation during a down time. I literally hid behind the register acting busy. Rationally, I know that many of them are just nice people who are trying to make kids happy. But when they're in disguise, I have no way of knowing which kind of clown they are, and that makes all of them creepy. I don't want them near me, and I don't want them near my kid.