Handjobs and Hepatitis

I need a job. I am getting desperate. I'm having daily panic attacks about my inability to find a damn job. I've applied for close to 50 jobs in the last two weeks alone, and I've heard close to nothing. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. It doesn't help that I don't translate well on paper. I've had one job the last seven years, and that was a seasonal job. But it gave me managing skills, and that should help. Other than that, everything I'm able to do can't be proven on a resume. Prospective employers get hundreds of responses to ads, they're not going to give me a chance when they have someone who looks awesome on paper, even though I can guarantee that they wont be nearly as awesome as me in reality, because let's face it, I rock. Not really, but I can have a moment of ego-boosting self-confidence, right?

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago. It was a joke. It was with a guy I knew through the mall that has his own company. I knew he was a bit of a womanizer and pervert, but I thought it could still lead to a legitimate job offer. The first thing he asked me is if I want to go to Brazil with him. Then he mentioned his kinky ex-girlfriend, and sex clubs in NY, where I didn't have to participate, just watch and see if anything struck my fancy. This guy is in his 50's. Even if he was in his 30's and good looking, I have no desire to go off to a foreign country to possibly be tied up as someone's love slave and then have my kidneys sold on the black market. Yeah, I know, I"m miss "worst case scenerio" girl, but I can't imagine he wanted me there for my ability to make an omelet. I had one other job interview, with a normal company. But they needed someone to work ten hours a day on Sunday, and I have no sitter.

Pretty much every job I apply for that I am actually qualified for (basically, cashier work) frowns at my application because I can't work nights and weekends, except on rare occasions. My mom can't watch Jake for whatever reason, and his daycare is only open until 7. I'm still not getting a dime from the STBX, because he's apparently OVER-qualified for every job out in Indiana. At least he has no worries, his parents are still paying for everything. Very frustrating.

At the entrance of my development is a seedy "erotic massage" parlor. They have a "help wanted" sign in the window. I've actually thought "could I do it? Could I make a living for a short while giving guys crappy massages and hand jobs, among other things?" I have nothing against people who choose to do that. If two people consent to sex, and one wants to pay the other for it, I don't see the problem. Some people can handle being a prostitute. I couldn't though. It would creep me out. I'd cry the whole time, and that's just not sexy. Besides, most of the girls there look like 80's throwbacks, and if that's the dress code, count me out. There has to be something out there that doesn't involve handjobs and hepatitis.